After having a wonderful heart-to-heart with the ladies in my home church last night, it shocked me to think that many of them thought I was the "put together" one. How did they get to this very wrong assumption? They read my blog!
What goes on in my head and in my life on most days doesn't match my blog and twitter. You see, the beauty of having a blog is that you can share ONLY what you want. And if those stories are only the good, happy or productive ones, most of your readers think your are perfect put together. You can be whatever you want others to think based on your stories on the ol' blog. Besides, when I started this thing, called a blog, I wanted to document my kids lives so that they have a story, written by their mom, of THEIR childhood. Not document how crazy their mom really is.
My blog has taken some twists and turns along the way. And although, I may not write about my kids EVERY day, I want what I do write about them to be significant and meaningful for the day they do get around to reading it. Hopefully, they will be out of the "embarrassing easily" stage since many of my stories can be quite that.
Therefore, I stay away from the ugly. Who wants to read about the ugly, day in and day out? And I am not one to share the ugly with ANYONE, except with God and Jeremy. So if I don't want to share the non-perfect with my friends in real life, why would I actually write it where anyone in this world can read it?
But after my evening with some amazing women I thought I would share just a little bit of what goes on in my mind and life most days (maybe not all of these everyday but a lot on most days). Because, we are more similar than meets the eye.
- I am broken
- Most days I feel like a failure. A failure as a mom, a failure as a wife and a failure as a friend.
- I yell
- I lose my cool
- I cry
- I disconnect myself from other people
- I disconnect myself from my kids
- I hurt
- I'm apathetic
- I'm angry
- I'm jealous
- I worry
- I'm stressed
- I'm anxious
- I'm lonely
- I'm crazy
- I'm broken
You see, I hide all the ugly. I much rather people think I am well put together and a snob then to show them how messed up I really am. And apparently, I have succeeded in that goal, because my friends, that I shared with last night, had no idea how much I struggle, day in and day out! That is, until last night. They saw the ugly, the crazy and the messed up!
What happened after?
We cried, we laughed, we empathized. They thanked me for being real! We are all broken in some way. We bonded knowing that we are MORE similar than meets the eye! I can't wait to see the journey we are about to embark on.....And as we agreed last night, "We AAALLLLL be crazy up in here." And I'm cool with that! ;-)
But don't worry y'all, I'm not going to post about my crazy every day. Maybe occasionally...