I often look in the eyes of Evan and Carter, and my heart breaks knowing that the innocence they own now will not last forever. That one day, there eyes will be opened to the ways of the world. It truly breaks my heart and saddens me! A few weeks ago, at Evan's 3 year appointment (yes I do know it is June, geeze), the Doctor gave me the "talk". You know, the "Evan is old enough now to understand about strangers and touching" talk.. My heart sank. My throat tight. I held back tears. He asked if we had been discussing this with him and I shook my head no. Speechless.
This is the beginning, isn't it? The part of the story that reminds me that some day soon, I won't be able to protect him, every minute of every day. That he will be places where I can't shield his ears from hearing bad things and eyes that I won't be able to shield from seeing bad things.
Have I talked to him yet? No! I just can't bring myself to have that conversation with him. He understands that talking to strangers is a bad thing. And right now, I am content with that.
I encourage both boys to be independent of me. I let them run freely at the park and the pool but always keeping my motherly eagle eye on them at all times. They innocently run and play not knowing that I, myself, am on the look out. Constantly watching for any type of activity that would harm them. Needless to say, I don't relax on our outings.
I allow them to fall and get hurt. Although when they cry out for help, I am immediately by their side.
I sensor what they watch and listen to: Because "be careful little eyes what you see, be careful little ears what you hear." I even get upset when we are watching a kid's movie and they slip in a word or too. Why?? Is it necessary for the plot? No, but in today's world that is acceptable. That is the world that soon, I will have to watch my children enter. And that is just a scratch into what the world is waiting to show my boys.
I haven't allowed either boy to be watched by anyone but the closest family and the closest of friends. I don't want to take any chances! That has brought on some challenges and hasn't freed me up to go places without children. But it was/is a sacrifice that I am willing to make.
Evan loves to run around the house, let's just say, free as a bird, after bath times. He has done it since he could walk. And recently I know, I must sit him down and explain to him why that really isn't appropriate any more. And that will be just another nudge of the door opening wider allowing the world to creep in.
I can't stop it from happening. I can't control each and every situation. I can love them and hold on to them as much as possible now. I can kiss them and hug them every moment I get. I can protect them as much as humanly speaking. I can give them to the Lord, because really they aren't my own to begin with. And that my friends is one sobering thought! God loves my children more than I do and can ever fathom. So I will hold onto to that knowing that they are in HIS hands!!